'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
