he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
