I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
