For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
