Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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