Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he thought i was a dude.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
