you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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