Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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