Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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