i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
