im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
