The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
