you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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