I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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