who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
