dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize