She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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