Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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