I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
