I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
