My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize