So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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