Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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