After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
