I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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