So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
