Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize