My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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