How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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