I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
