I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
