Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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