Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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