Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
