I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I could make wine with my vomit
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize