Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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