Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
