I'm so fucking centered right now
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
