I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
