shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
