i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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