My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
