I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize