The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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