he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
