This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Shame - the story of my life.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
