I have demons in me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
