ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize