Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
