I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
