Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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