There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
