So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
