Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
