there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize