My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
