Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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