I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
