Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
