mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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