dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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