I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
